Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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