i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
