God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
His hands were made for my vagina.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
