my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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