...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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