Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
