Your face is a jimmy john
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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