I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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