even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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