You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
