When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
