he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
