You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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