no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
