She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
