On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
