butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
