So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
