bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
