why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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