Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
