I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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