Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
