I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
