All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
