Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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