just come out here and I will go home with you...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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