Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
