If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
