i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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