Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
