Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
