Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
