kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
