please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
