They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
