The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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