You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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