One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
