mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
