im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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