i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
