omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
