Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
