What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
