Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
