and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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