haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
