I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
