oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
