I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
